Blended Living

It seems that its never really done.   The chores, reading, those things that you do after the other work things, that might make tomorrow a little better, nicer, easier, or just plain tolerable.  The workout regimen, the shopping list, the language DVDs that collect more dust than attention.  Even getting a spanking new netbook seems like a chore, set it up, add software, anti-virus, configure it, personalize stuff, then there’s all the sites that you have to type in for the first time, and all those passwords that aren’t saved.

That aggravating well spun highly effective password you put on the router that defies memory or locate-ability.   Its still configuring itself, maybe that post it note under the desk has it…  You wonder about how much work it will take to reset all your wireless  devices’ passwords.  But you can’t because the kids are doing homework, too.  They have projects with deadlines, and angst and that ubiquitous ‘net is needed.

You suddenly realize that you needed a pre-planned network outage for your own home.   What poor planning, but who wouda thunk it was necessary?

Ok, one more attempt… 4th pet name mixed with favorite TV character, interspersed with birth months and voila!  We are connected.  [no, that isn't really my password clue, please.]  Like rolling a boulder uphill just past its apex, we are shaking and moving now.  Glue that sheet on the board for the science project.  Print that chart out.  Finish reading that chapter for tomorrow’s discussion.   The netbook finally is done loading.  It’s past midnight again.  Brush your teeth!  (I did have to reward all the hard work with sea salt chips, didn’t I?)

At least the kids are asleep now.  I kinda got a lot done this evening.  Took a short-ish walk and went over my to do list. While out I contemplated being a dog owner again.  The only fun part of that mental exercise.   In my mind I saw a scroll that would rival a toilet paper roll commercial- its goes on and on.  Hey, its OK.  There’s always tomorrow.   And I think there’s another movie opening soon that I want to see.  They are saving humanity, I’m just salvaging my sanity.  John Conner’s to-do list might just make mine seem lighter.  Robot Ducati’s seem very cool.

I allow myself to pause somewhat from my daily miles and spend some time stationary to watch an old movie in BlueRay.  It still has that old kick to it, and the amazing clarity is like watching it anew.  Some moments later, discipline finally winning over inertia I continue down to-do Lane.  A gallon of milk and some other nightly rituals before I can get some shuteye.  The fast sprints and slow workday empty my tank, and a sour mood creeps its way in, as I cross 110th Street.

I think to myself that I can swiftly maneuver the aisles and grab a milk and escape to dreamland.  Unopened boxes and other late night shoppers block my plan.  Maybe the next aisle over, or the next.  I finally get to the back of the store, cursing that person that discovered putting the milk back there forces all of us to walk past items we might not need.

I smile bleakly towards a coed, more to get her to let me pass than anything else.  She smiles back and tussles with her hair.  I think to myself, why didn’t this happen more when I was younger?  Maybe it did, and I just better understand the signs now.  I pick up the milk and make it over to the checkout area.

An elderly couple is slowly inching forward on checkout #1.  I try to see what else is going on.  Is #3 the racehorse to bet on?   Sigh, its a muddy track and the purse isn’t motivating anyone this night.  I settle behind the elderly.

The West African cashier is playing a game with the old man.  She clearly has a 20 in her hand, but she keeps saying its a ‘ten’.  He utters something but I can’t quite catch it.  Then he hands her 3 singles, and she says its a ‘five’ and now she has 8 bucks.  In my rush, I’m annoyed but intrigued by this little game. It goes back and forth a couple times more.  By now their smiles and banter have erased my sour mood.  They get their change and walk away.

The cashier has a large smile for me.  Its infectious and we chat for a minute.  She explains later that he just turned 88 recently, and that was his daughter.  She confesses that she is enamored by the guy.  More details about him.  I say I wish I’ll be so healthy and surrounded by loving people, too.

I walk out of the store a bit lighter despite the 8.6 pounds of milk.

I got the chance to see the Star Trek movie, and I really liked it.  Sure there are spots where one can complain and criticize, but overall the film provides that careful combination of pure adventure, a new spin on familiar characters, and stays true to the persistent spirit of Trek.

Normally I’d be content with one viewing, but its popularity placed my viewing vantage a bit too close.  I’m entertaining seeing it again, this time providing ample time to get more center seating.  Movies aren’t cheap anymore, but 2 hours of entertainment seems a value.

We have just finished Mother’s Day, but its the father theme in the movie that chokes me up, as the line about ‘daring you to be more’ strikes my resonant tone fully.  Who am I pleasing in that sense?  My own image or imagination about what my father would find to be proud about me?  That’s a question for the ages.  Short circuiting that one, I ultimately will have to find some contentment for me first, then work out some other yardstick for Dad.

My 10 miles a day theme for the month of May, has given me ample time to contemplate many things, and some things seem more clear lately.   I’m not at the top of my game, since I can’t quite recall that perfect word or phrase, maybe some standards are just too high…  Still that hurdle isn’t beyond my ken.  By chance I picked a book out of a dear friend’s shelf and one of the chapter titles that sprung out at me is “Lean just beyond your edge”.

She would likely laugh out loud and think that I often protrude just beyond the borders of our friendship- as I often reply ‘how else would I know where the edges are?’  Nonetheless I’d like to think that I embody a good combination of support and prickliness to enable my friends to achieve their potential.  Or I come off like Greg House – minus the genius life saving skills.

About 120 miles into my journey so far this month, I’m hitting some milestones and noting what other refinements are necessary.  That fartlek in the dark Central Park tonight made a dent in the legacy fat deposit. That is, legacy as in the fourth meaning, as in obsolete.  Thanks ol’ ancestors but the next famine isn’t coming soon.  We may have a plentitude of dearths, but calories aren’t one of them.

I’m enjoying the view as Manhattan in the springtime is  a joy to the senses.  Allergies aside it pleases me to see the activity and energy focus outside of the brick and glass towers.  All the people with all their goals coalesce into a dance that is momentarily slowed or sped up by green and red lights at each corner.  I see the individuals, and the whole – the entire system flowing into and out of buildings and subways and cars.  I try to detect patterns- to find its essence, the beauty.

The trees have shed much of their early spring flowers, which means my allergies will subside.  This too shall pass.  But while its happening, it really seems a long time.  The sneezing, the watery eyes, the malaise.  While on the daily trek there are burdens that seem like they will never end.  Then they do.  There are pleasures that seem fleeting, then they reoccur.  There is an ebb and flow, and if we stop to notice, we can ride them, without wasting our energy fighting them.  That is blended living.

• rain rain go away!
• should have taken that walk when the sun came out earlier
• 4x is humming along, albeit at a muted amount
• still best to work out the kinks with smaller amounts
• and I’m still learning things about this craft after having made so many trades in the last decade
• or should I say I am learning things about me?
• that good cup of coffee today is keeping me up now
• rolling along like its was early evening right now
• good thing (or maybe bad) that the 4x markets don’t sleep at all
• more time to practice, and its good to do while I’m not at my best
• to sort of stress test myself and my trading skills
• some days I would hesitate to call these skills
• but I’ve proven to myself that they are skills
• just that I’m sometimes not in the right frame of mind to pay attention
• to the little subtle signals
• and the competing voices that habitate my mind
• oh that Kindle DX is tempting
• just when I thought I owned everything I want
• along comes a device that could be the answer to 3 needs
• a platform for me to read more on (especially fiction and current stuff)
• a way to ease some clutter
• a prize for trading well, or perhaps hitting my fitness goals
• I’m getting that feeling…
• that sweet nexus of ideas, practice, and technology
• the sticker price is steep
• but the probably 2 year costs come out to under 2 bucks a day
• and I will likely use it enough to justify that
• besides if my solution seeking engine (my mind) fixates on that prize
• it helps to focus me sufficiently to not do the little stupid things
• that can sabotage a good trade setup- like fear and greed and impatience
• just exited that trade with 2 Kindle DX days worth of profit
• hitting my marks, should be time to up the ante.

Are we at the eye of the storm?  This economic downturn seems to have lost some of its shock value.  That is if you aren’t one of the millions who got laid off.  There in that storyline you definitely feel the pain. But for the other roughly 90% who are still employed, this seems like the clouds are parting, the warmth of the sun is upon us, and things might just be looking up for  a change.

My guess is that this is a false recovery (in the markets at least), the banks aren’t really lending, although if you feel like you just found a bargain in a new home, all the more power to ya.  The housing numbers were “not as bad as expected”.

I think that homes will be more affordable next year.   Layoffs are likely going to continue, and its a supply VS demand game there.  Fewer employed means less demand for home purchases.   Lower home prices and money will find its way into other venues.  Like the stock market.

So throwing a wild guess out there, the DOW will be flirting with 10,000 sometime in 2010 just as you discover that that phenomenally lowball bid you made on that nice home you found, gets accepted.

Sometimes we just get busy going through the motions and suddenly find ourselves transported ahead in time quickly.  Maybe its the 90 degree weather that’s hit NYC, or those crazy planes buzzing downtown, or that swine flu that wakes me up today.  I noted this weekend that the official start of Summer and beach going is only 5 weeks away.  That’s 35 days, and if anything I sure don’t feel like I’m beach fit quite yet- but I do enjoy a challenge.

Its time to lose that winter flab!  Jotting down my workout regimen now.  See you at the beach in a few.  If I devise some great workout in the process, I’ll share it here later on.

• My abs don’t hurt
• a woman was hogging the machine today so I skipped it
• trying to adhere to the 10 minute workout
• I tried to not seem so righteous as I moved from machine to machine
• as others talked more than worked out
• but still I can understand fully how some people say they work and work at the gym and yet nothing helps…
• as they talk and socialize more than actually do anything on the machines
• 8-12 sets and I’m out of there
• its not really a 10 minute workout with the waiting and changing plates but its a goal
• and sometimes I almost hit it
• which reminds me about continuing to refine that quick, body-weight workout I can do anywhere
• that borrows from yoga, pilates, calistenics, aerobics, martial arts, and plyometrics
• somewhat like a sun salutation on steroids, that is
• figuratively speaking, or of anaerobic muscle building routines, not anabolic chemicals
• that thunder was awesome earlier and it reminded me
• of the day and night when I became a father
• the natural pyrotechnics were out in full force that day
• as they drummed in the arrival of my number one
• the days I realized that I gladly did things with and for her was the day I became a Dad
• and it amazes me how I re-learned how to draw at the appropriate time
• and the many bedtime stories that flowed out of me over the years
• how I miss them, the telling, the sharing and the ritual
• now I wonder what next phase awaits me what
• metamorphosis will become me around the next corner?
• I sense a change in the wind not just a seasonal shift
• but a multi-year tectonic rearrangement of sorts
• that hasn’t defined itself so it lies in waiting ready to reveal
• its splendors hopefully without too much fanfare and chaos
• that rain today and tomorrow and the next will challenge and perplex many
• just like the two men that couldn’t resolve their issues without some pushing and shouting on the subway car I was in today
• it felt rather crowded and sardine-like then the altercation caused
• about 150 people to squeeze into our space quickly as there were shouts of
• “what are you reaching into your bag for?” but
• just as quickly as it started, it ended
• and the ride continued
• its hard to tell whether such events are more frequent with the economic challenges
• and the news seems to have an element of interconnectedness more and more as
• that craiglist killer’s victim lived not that far from me
• and I wonder if our paths crossed literally on my way to running nirvana and
• I simply wasn’t present to notice her fully
• guess the details of that incident will reveal itself as it has the makings of newsworthiness
• weaning myself off the evil bean and my memory seems better as I remember to whittle off
• some to-do list items near the places to do them
• like pick up flax seed oil at that organic place midtown
• and I discover that its a peculiar taste as I used to swallow it in pill form
• and now I just use a spoon and a grimace
• I have tried to read a book almost every week for many months (years?) now
• but it dawns on me that I don’t read enough fiction or just plain pleasurable reading which
• ironically could help me in my other more ‘serious’ endeavors
• much like the concept of running less running faster
• or giving the brain a chance to rest, recover, and think about other things for a while
• and strangely it comes from a line from a movie where he says
• “its like junk food”
• but as you who know me well, I couldn’t come up with the title right now
• … but it starred that guy who played James Bond.

• My abs hurt
• I drink too much coffee and cheap-bad-coffee at that
• That abdominator is such a medieval contraption
• and works so well but seems like torture
• which it is but I meant more the look of it
• note to self, take camera to gym next and add it to posterity
• listening (and watching) 80′s videos on Joost
• took a stroll down memory lane with a few of those oldies
• A Ha’s “Take on Me” with that wondrous forward looking video
• to Carly Simon’s “Come around again”
• and the beautiful yet weird Eurythmics “Sweet Dreams ” … those cows and lyrics
• Some of the fashions are coming back, the puffy hair and padded shoulders
• the videos’  feel and story narrations seem silly
• so I suppose all complex systems are demand seeking supply
• as skirts get shorter and more form fitting to allure
• fewer suitors, or ones that have a job, and a home
• I finished my 2 liter bottle of sucrose laden kosher coke and I am sad
• and definitely over-caffeinated as my heart races and all I’m doing is typing
• maybe I need to ween off the bean or at least cut it down to one cup a day
• I hate forms and filling them
• and yearn for a time when I delegate all that jazz to someone else
• but that isn’t today… yet
• my abs hurt as I stretch in bed and there really isn’t a better posture to type this in
• well it looks slweeky coming up
• just made a couple bucks on the Euro
• eyelids get heavy… darkness approaches… merry go round music starts
• yes, its dreamland beckoning
• and I’m on the threshold.

• I just re-read the same paragraph in my book 3 times so
• there’s stuff floating around in the noggin that wants to escape but
• I don’t have a real cohesive theme so here’s
• another stream of consciousness writing
• that was a surprise on House but
• I won’t give it away since we live in the age of Tivos, DVRs, and season long DVDs
• either I’m not watching carefully enough or the show is weaving too many open strands
• and its intriguing yet annoying at the same time
• I think we have been watching House a lot lately since
• I sometimes mimic his snarly character towards my girls and it startles
• me somewhat as it comes so naturally to me
• also my “label/name Alzheimers” makes me wonder if I truly am a social being
• when I can forget the names of people that I really shouldn’t
• and its on par with that character’s level of non-admiration for anyone
• but that’s a TV character and I’m a real person
• I do wonder at times how long this can be and whether I should cut them short
• just in case you the Dear Reader is following along and is getting quite bored
• or is this format simply interesting to navigate
• the maze that is my brain?
• and then in my inimitable way to segue off in many different dizzying directions
• and wonder simultaneously whether
• that is just my ego bordering on arrogance
• was that woman flirting with me?
• assault on Dow 8000, part deux
• why do I have the ability to read people so well sometimes and others…
• Really, woman wets herself instead of getting off line for $50 used  iBook?
• will it rain tomorrow?
• I should ask her to coffee if I should ever see her again
• or is it truly interesting to freely delve into another persons free association
• even if it is too often lately…
• as other thoughts sprout up
• and in no way seem related to this thread but alas dear reader if you have come along so far
• you know that its my tangled web of thoughts and there are off ramps that
• would rival Escher’s most intricate
• still some days there is more connectedness than other days
• and this one is mere distraction if hopefully somewhat enjoyable to follow
• along with on my parade of disjointed ideas.

Solipsistic Girl,

Don’t you tell your dreams to me?

I will set you free.